i'm moving!

not apartments, silly. blogs. you can follow my (new and improved) blog HERE.

let the funemployment begin!

Today is day one of my (hopefully temporary) funemployment, or, as I like to call it, waiting-for-a-job-to-happen-around-me-while-working-on-my-tome. I have to be honest - I don't see what the big deal is.

I woke up when my body wanted to wake up, which happened to be around 10:30 (i know), went running (I KNOW), took a shower and now I'm sitting at this coffee shop (iiiii KNOW), trying to figure out what to do next. I forgot my headphones (rookie mistake), so I'm forced to listen to whatever hipster, jazz-infused, french music they have on in here. That's not to say that I don't enjoy some good hipster, jazz-infused french music, I just like to have choices.

Having a job gets in the way of a lot of things; friendships, cleaning, doing the dishes, exercise, showering, creativity. In an effort to take full advantage of all of this impending free time, I've compiled a list of all of the things I want to do during my short stint as an unemployed cliche. Please let me know if you can assist me in achieving any of the following:

*I want to write; maybe start working on a show or a book of essays. Hell, even one essay would be great at this point. This blog entry feels like a huge achievement.

*I want to work out every day. I ran to the monument and back this morning (1.5 miles?) and I am in full-blown jelly legs. This makes me sad.

* I want to paint my apartment. The never-ending project that I've been working on since, oh, March. As Gaga is my witness, I will finish this.

*I want to see all of the people who I'm always too busy to see. Friends, former teachers, colleagues, dare I say - new friends? Let's have some hard-core quality time.

* I want to relax. This is novel for me, I'm so used to go-go-go-GOING. I'm not going to let that happen this time. I will not fill up the white space with unnecessary noise. I am not blind to the humor in my planning structured time to relax.

*I want to read (see above). I haven't read a full book in well over a year. I am determined to finish at least ONE book over the next month.

Most importantly, I want to not be in this coffee shop for another minute. I can't do most of the things on my list while sitting at a coffee shop, eavesdropping on the woman at the next table who is frantically planning her upcoming nuptials with a very manic planner/photographer. More about them later, I'm sure.

How to Hire/Employ a Nanny

i have been nannying, going on nanny interviews, talking with prospective employer-parents and giving the same "tell-us-about-your-discipline-style" speech for over six years now. for the most part, it's pretty much the same as anyones job search. occasionally, though, i have the pleasure of interacting with parents who i not only don't want to work for, but who i want to pull aside, grab by the face, and throttle. to keep me out of trouble, i've channeled that frustration into a helpful little checklist for anyone who may ever need to hire a nanny. seriously. read it.

rule number 1: be polite. this is the person who will, potentially, raise your child in your stead. be nice to them. always. give bonuses. give vacation time. say thank you. a lot.

rule number 2: pay appropriately. do some research before you make an offer. find out what the going rate is in your area. ask around. heck, ask the person you're interviewing, they probably know. and remember, you get what you pay for. if you offer someone $9 an hour for childcare, housecleaning, laundry and dishes, you are an idjit.

rule number 3: do reference checks. oh, you're shocked that the nanny you hired for $9 an hour, who you didn't do reference checks on, has a meth problem? don't be. you hired him/her after meeting them on the internet and talking with them for 15 minutes and then you didn't do reference checks. duh.

rule number 4: show respect. your nanny, believe it or not, is not just a meat-suit who shows up every day at 8 am to raise your kids. she/he has a personal life outside of you, with friends, loved ones, hobbies and a plethora of interests outside of your children (though i'm sure your children are lovely). don't pry, but maybe show that you're even a little bit invested in the person who will raise your children for 50 hours a week. create a bond. also, say thank you.

rule number 5: be reasonable. this person, once you hire them, is not in this line of work so that he/she can be at your beckon call every day. this person is doing this work, hopefully, because he/she loves children, is good with children, and finds it rewarding. be home when you say you're going to be home. don't take advantage. and for the love of god. say thank you.

duh.

how to be my friend, and other thoughts.

i've been thinking a lot lately about my feelings on friendship, family, the difference between friends and family (there are no differences) and how particular i am about who i spend my time with. i'm picky, but not without reason. i'm very confident in my abilities as a friend, and i have high standards for the people i call my friends.

i want to be with quality people who make me feel good. i want to have the most fun possible in any given situation, and that means not wasting my time with people who don't meet my friendship requirements.

if you want to be my friend, you have to be kind. genuinely. say nice things. mean them. be affectionate - really. be funny. not dick-joke funny. witty, quick, smart, charming funny. be smart. inspire me. if you can't stir my emotions, we won't last.

don't be a grouch. if you're in a bad mood, acknowledge it. then laugh at it. do the same to me when i'm unreasonably grouchy (read: often). love me even though i'm often melancholy and unreasonably grouchy.

be. funny.

don't be a kiss-ass. it's gross. desperation is transparent. if i'm not convinced that you're a good person within two minutes of meeting you, i'm moving on.

care about something, anything. be passionate about what you do. be real. have flaws. acknowledge your flaws. laugh at them. be honest, always, even if i get mad, but never be arbitrarily mean to others. say nice things to people.

be brave.

make me fall in friend-love with you.

be yourself. be weird and interesting and authentic. don't be afraid to love things. give me a hug.

for the love of god, be funny.

also, chew on this:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

~ Neil Gaiman

you wish i was your nanny

my promise, as your nanny:

i promise to not let your child have tantrums in public. or anywhere.

i promise to train your child how to ride public transportation without embarrassing you

i promise to jack other moms/nannies at the park if they mess with your child

i promise to teach your child about comic timing

i promise to teach your child to be kind

i promise to hug your child. a lot.

i promise to read to your child. i'll use different voices for each character, too.

also, i'll do the dishes.

my creative process:

*start something

*stop halfway through to analyze

*decide i hate it

*scrap it/leave it unfinished/throw the notebook in a pile of other notebooks

*be frustrated

*repeat.

sorry everyone. i got dark.

*fart noise*

an open letter to everyone who is mad about lady gaga

ohmygodshutupalready.

i can not count the number of arguments i've had with incredibly intelligent people, who i consider to be my friends and peers, about how lady gaga is killing pop music and robbing madonna. i'm so tired of having this argument with angry elitists - consider this my open letter to everyone who has attacked me for my unabashed love for born this way.

listen. i understand your argument - i really do. pop music is a disaster. that's why it's pop music. but lets not place the blame squarely on gaga, mkay? if you're going to blame anyone, blame katy perry. blame justin bieber. blame that trainwreck ke$ha, who is determined to sully everything that's good about being a hipster. (and don't get me started on hipster haters). im just saying - if you're looking to place blame and get mad, there are better people to start with.

im never surprised by the people who hate gaga because she "looks weird" or "supports them gays", but i'm confused and a little bewildered by the artistic, intelligent people who hate on her. i have a little insight into them, because i used to be one.

when gaga hit the scene a few years ago, i was instantly annoyed by her. i rolled my eyes whenever anyone quoted just dance in a facebook status update. i changed the station when poker face came on the radio. i was a hater. i thought she was a flash-in-the-pan-in-the-making, too.

then i stopped and thought about it - why was i annoyed by her? the best answer that i could come up with was that i was preparing myself to be insulted as a creative person. THAT'S NOT ART, i would scoff. the hairs on the back of my neck were already rising in defense of not being a mindless follower.

when people who i considered to be "cool" started supporting her, i became defensive. what's so great about her? why are we all supposed to flock to her? don't you try to think for me, lady gaga! what the hell kind of name is that, anyhow?! i was so worked up.

put off by the group-mindedness that was sweeping my peer group, i defaulted to anger. my feathers were ruffled. i was so used to crappy pop music with lyrics that made me want to lock my young nieces up in a room and fill their little impressionable ears with cotton, that i cast gaga off instantly - prepared for my intelligence to be insulted by mainstream culture. again.

then i got over myself.

as soon as i realized that hating on gaga was as obnoxious and was taking up just as much energy as loving her would, i decided to give her a shot. i dipped my toe in the water, so to speak. and, secretly, i liked it.

part of being a critical thinker, a creative, an artist, and, most importantly, a "cool" person is to never really admit when you think something that is popular and mainstream is cool. to admit to liking lady gaga, or any mainstream music/movie/television/book/artist, etc etc etc, is to be uncool. and i, like many others, care about being cool. just admitting that made me 4% less cool. it's just how things work. i dare you to tell me i'm wrong.

what i'm saying is, everyone just relax. stop and think about why you're hating on gaga. is it because you're annoyed that so many other people treat her as a deity? because you can still hate that and like gaga, simultaneously. are you hating on her because of how mainstream and popular she is? are you hating on her for emulating madonna? because that's a whole other blog post. all i will say about that is, when madonna is mad, i'll be mad.

maybe you just don't like the music. that's okay. nobody is judging your ability to think critically about what makes good music good. don't be so defensive. you don't have to like her. but kindly get off of my case.

your hating her just makes me want to buy 16 of her albums and paste them to the front of your apartment building. i'm rebelling now, because now i feel as though all of the gaga haters are just as group-minded as the gaga lovers. now i'm going to love her extra, just to make you mad.

im going to love lady gaga, and i'm going to love her hard, partially because i think your anger is comical. also, i like to listen to catchy, auto-tuned, synthesized dance music when i am cleaning my house, driving a car, or running on a treadmill. and i'm not ashamed to admit it.

do i think lady gaga is insane? probably. do i think a lot of her fan base is annoying? absolutely. do i think that she is the product of a brilliant marketing team? yup. but i also know, from first-hand experience, that she is an incredibly committed performance artist. she's also a decent songwriter and can actually sing, play the piano and dance. this is where i kindly remind everyone that madonna, who i also have love for, can't really sing and was also, by the way, the product of a brilliant marketing team - in 1984.

if you want to be angry, be angry about the right stuff. be angry about war. oppression. inequality. enjoy pop music for what it is - entertainment. if it's entertainment that teaches some kid in kansas that it's okay to be gay, even better.

life is funny. it's meant to be enjoyed. quit wasting your anger on some white lady in a meat-suit. i mean, really. i will not argue this anymore. i will not defend my intelligence. it's silly and a monumental waste of time, so don't bother. let me have fun, and i'll let you brood about important art. they're your frown-lines, after all.

everyone shut up and just dance.